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Whenever two or more persons are engaged in an undertaking,
the importance of harmony for success is universally recognized. Thus
if two persons set out on a tour by boat and plan to do their own
sailing or rowing, they must agree as to the management of their craft,
the route to be taken and their destiny. Otherwise their projected tour
will be but the occasion of endless contentions and difficulties, will
get them nowhere, and perhaps even end in disaster.
The Married Couple's Destiny
Such precisely
is the situation of a young married couple that has launched out on the
sea of matrimony. By most solemn vows, they have bound themselves to
make the journey through life together. But what is the destination of
that journey? What is the nature and purpose of the marriage contract
into which they have just entered? What duties devolve upon them by
virtue of that contract? What attitude must they take on the question
of having children? And in the event that they have children, what
obligations have they towards them, and how are these obligations to be
fulfilled?
Superficial Harmony
These are
questions which every serious-minded couple must be ready to answer,
and on which they must be in substantial agreement, if they wish to
live in peace and happiness and make a success of their wedded life. I
say, if they wish to make a success of their wedded life; for they
might live in harmony and attain to a certain measure of earthly
happiness even without agreement on the aforementioned questions,--but
only at the cost of the real success of their state of life. Thus they
might get along in harmony if they agreed to disregard entirely the
question of life's destiny and of a future life. In like manner, they
might get along harmoniously if, despite decided views or convictions
on certain questions; e.g. that of the artificial limitation of the
family, one of the two would yield in all practical points to the will
of the other. That would be harmony on the surface, harmony in
practice, harmony through compromise or even the abandonment of
principle, but not that complete, deep-seated harmony of thought and
action flowing from the acceptance of the same principles in all
essentials, which should be the desire and aim of every Christian
husband and wife.
There is no need of perfect agreement in nonessentials; and it is
doubtful whether complete accord in every particular would even be
desirable For, while a similarity of tastes and talents, of aversions
and hobbies might add to the harmony of wedded life, a difference of
likes and dislikes in some things offers a better opportunity for the
one to supplement the other.
Any couple that accepts the teachings set forth in the foregoing
chapters and adopts them as a form of life will I am sure, enjoy in its
home the blessing of harmony in fullest measure. Yet, as there are two
kinds of disharmony fraught with very especial danger to the family,
which are nevertheless quite frequently disregarded, they may well be
made the subject of a most emphatic warning and a more extended
instruction.
A United Front
The first of
these is disharmony, or the lack of unity, in the exercise of parental
authority. Children are obliged by the fourth commandment to honor and
obey their parents; and parents are required by that selfsame
commandment to train their children to become men and women of
character and virtue. But if children are to obey, there must be an
understanding between the persons who issue the commands; and if the
father and mother are to train their children, they must agree as to
the object and method of training to be pursued. Self-evident as this
principle must appear to every thinking person, it is nevertheless a
principle that is often disregarded in practice. The foundation on
which the training of children must rest is parental authority; but if
that authority is at odds with itself because of opposition between the
persons in whom it is vested, the entire fabric reared upon it will be
weak and unsteady. In their joint relations to their children, as the
divinely constituted bearers of domestic authority, parents must
invariably present a united front. Whatever differences of opinion, of
personal likes or dislikes they may have, in their dealings with their
children these differences must recede into the dark background; so
that the children will not even suspect that any such disagreement
exists, and in consequence will not be tempted to play one against the
other or to appeal from the one to the other.
A Second Helping of Pie
To illustrate by
a very common example how easily this principle can be violated, let us
suppose that the family is seated at table and little Johnny asks his
mother for a second piece of pie. Since he had declined to partake of
some other more wholesome but less savory foods, his mother very
properly answers, "No." A little later, taking advantage of his
mother's absence in the kitchen, Johnny repeats his request to his
father, who replies: "Here, you can have my piece, Johnny. I don't care
for it anyhow." By acting thus, the father definitely takes sides with
the boy against his mother; weakens her authority; neglects an
opportunity of training his child; and sows the seed of discord between
himself and his wife. The circumstance that the father gave his own
piece of pie to his boy does not change the situation. The mother did
not refuse the lad's request from a desire to economize by saving a
piece of pie, but from the desire to train him to habits of
self-control and Christian moderation.
A Mutual Understanding
Instances of
this kind that call for co-operative action on the part of the parents
are of almost daily occurrence in families where there are children.
Being pleasure-loving like all human beings and as yet too young and
inexperienced to value the merits of self-abnegation and restraint,
children are everlastingly begging to have this or that, to go here or
there, to be permitted to enjoy this or that diversion or amusement.
And not only young children present this domestic problem; the problem
persists as long as the children are subject to the authority of their
parents, and often calls for the most cautious handling when the
growing boys and girls have become adolescent sons and daughters. In
every stage of the problem, the only proper policy for the parents to
adopt is to present a united front wherever the children are concerned.
There must be a distinct mutual understanding that one will support the
other, and that all important permissions granted to the children by
one parent are dependent on the consent of the other. "We will see what
mother thinks about it"; "Did mother say you might?"; "I must first
talk it over with father" are standing replies which parents will ever
have ready if they are bent on promoting the welfare of their children
and maintaining harmony in their home.
Strengthening Mutual Love
By thus
upholding each other's authority in the presence of the children,
father and mother not only increase their children's respect for their
parents and each other's influence with the children, but also knit
still more firmly the bond of mutual love that makes husband and wife
one moral personage. For each single reference to the other's authority
is a gracious acknowledgment of the other's equal rights and
responsibility in the marriage partnership, and a tacit renewal of the
wedding day agreement to live as two souls with but a single thought.
Nor will it suffice for the one parent to uphold the other in word
while at the same time making no secret from the children that he or
she would much rather side with them. It would be hardly less harmful,
for example, than open hostility for the father to say: "I'm awfully
sorry; but you know how mother is. It's useless for me to say 'Yes'
when she says 'No'."
The Chief Disciplinarian
Right from the
beginning, therefore, there should be an agreement between the parents
on all important questions that concern the management and education of
the children. And when new problems arise, or when the parents disagree
as to how best to apply their principles to certain practical cases
they should discuss the matter out of hearing of the children; and only
after coming to an agreement should they inform the children what they
have to do. Usually the regulation of most disciplinary matters
pertaining to the domestic circle is best left to the mother. She is
with the children much more than the father and is less likely to yield
to their ill-advised pleadings from selfish motives. The father,
returning home from a day's work, is often just as much in a mood to
enjoy his children as they are eager to enjoy him; and, unless he is
guided by the mother's wishes and rules of discipline for the children,
he is very apt, from sheer paternal affability, to undo all the
mother's efforts in training the children, make her feel bad, and
perhaps even discourage her efforts in the future. For that reason,
before conceding the youngsters any privileges on his return home, he
should inquire of their mother how they behaved themselves during the
day; whether a ride or walk in a park or some other treat would be in
order; and the like.
For father and mother always to take each other into consideration,
always to stand together like the two pillars of an arch, is to make
family life infinitely more agreeable, to share equally its burdens and
responsibilities, and in truly constructive fashion to further the
training of their children. But if the parents disagree and the
children become aware, as they soon will, that they can cajole the one
parent into siding with them against the other, then parental authority
will be sadly weakened, and domestic harmony will soon give way to a
state of tension, then to ill-concealed dissension, and at last to open
strife.
The Head of the Family
In case the
parents cannot come to an agreement in private on a particular
question, then it is the duty of the wife to submit to her husband, so
long as no violation of moral or religious duty is involved; for St.
Paul says: "Let women be subject to their husbands as to the Lord;
because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of
the Church" (Eph. 5, 22). Oftentimes, however, it would be wiser for
the husband to yield to the wishes of his wife when there is no
principle at stake; and better still perhaps, if the matter does not
call for immediate settlement, to seek the advice of the pastor or of
some other God-fearing and experienced friend.
Main Cause of Disharmony
The other kind
of disharmony that calls for a special warning is disharmony or the
lack of unity in religion. It is easy to understand how many of the
difficulties of maintaining harmony in the home are removed or
lessened, when husband and wife are united by the profession and
practice of the true Faith. And by the same token it should be easy to
understand that, apart from serious character defects or moral lapses
in one of the parents, there is no more frequent cause of dissension
and discord in the home than the lack of unity in religion. Yet many
Catholics fail to realize this fact, and in consequence make the
attempt, which nine times out of ten is doomed to failure, of rearing
the stalwart structure of a truly Catholic home on the cleft foundation
of a mixed marriage.
A Lawyer's Sad Experience
The following
quotation from a letter published in "Our Sunday Visitor" gives the
experience with mixed marriages of just one single lawyer; but it will
no doubt open the eyes of many of my Catholic readers.
"As an active practicing lawyer in Chicago, handling divorce cases
along with my general practice I have had considerable opportunity to
make investigation as to the causes of domestic strife leading to
divorce among Catholic clients where either party married a
non-Catholic; and I am now forced to inquire of you what is being done,
if anything, to prevent mixed marriages by Catholic men and Catholic
women.
"I ask this question only after having handled approximately five
hundred divorce cases and cases involving annulment and separate
maintenance, wherein one of the parties was of the Catholic Faith; and
wherein I have found that this difference in religious belief was
fundamentally the cause of almost all of the discontent, sorrow, and
trouble which led to divorce or separation; and that in ninety percent
of the mixed marriage cases, the Catholic was confronted with the
question of abstaining from receiving the sacraments and living with
the spouse, or of separation, in order to be able to follow the
teachings of our Faith on the matter of marriage duties and
obligations."
A Basic Disagreement
But why does a
mixed marriage almost inevitably sow the seed of discord in the home?
Because the Catholic party accepts and is obliged to accept the
teachings of the Church as the only true standard of moral and
religious conduct in every phase of life; whereas the non-Catholic
party does not accept that standard. From the very outset, then, there
is a basic disagreement concerning the most important thing in life.
From the very ground up there is a breach between husband and wife,
which no unity of sentiment in other things will ever be able to fill.
For, no matter how kind, how considerate, how loving, how free from
prejudice, how magnanimous the non-Catholic partner may be, the
Catholic spouse that has a truly Catholic mind must forever realize
most keenly that, so long as the religious barrier exists, there can be
no complete understanding of each other, no full and perfect sympathy;
because the things that mean most and are most conducive to happiness
for the one mean little or nothing in the life of the other.
Complete Harmony
How much more
intimate the union between husband and wife who share the same
religious convictions! Arm in arm they go to church; side by side they
assist at Mass; and together they seek the consolation of Confession
and the spiritual nourishment of Holy Communion. In their attitude
towards the question of having children, in the choice of a school, in
the questions regarding prayer in the home, Catholic reading, courtship
and marriage, religious vocation, and many similar matters, the
Catholic couple are in complete accord, because these questions are all
decided for them in advance by the teachings of Holy Mother Church.
Innumerable Dissensions
What a rift on
the other hand in the life of a couple who do not share the same Faith!
What one cherishes and esteems, the other perhaps abhors. What one
looks upon as an act of virtue or even as a most solemn duty, the other
may despise as silly superstition or a mere idle ceremony. Supposing
the mother to be the Catholic party to the marriage, which is the more
common case, how keenly will she not feel the lack of religious harmony
if her husband insists on unnatural limitation of the family; if he
objects to having their children baptized by a Catholic priest; if he
insists that three or four years' training in a Catholic school is
enough to fulfill his promise to have his children brought up Catholic;
if he refuses all money for Catholic books, papers and periodicals; if
he objects to all display (as he terms it) of religion by means of
Crucifixes, pictures of the saints, or other religious articles in the
home; if he discourages prayer at meals and all family devotions; if he
protests against sending the children to Mass when the weather is the
least bit inclement or disagreeable, or against sending them from home
without breakfast when they wish to receive Communion; if he scolds
about his sleep being disturbed or having to get his own breakfast when
his wife goes to early Mass; if he demands meat at all meals on Fridays
and all days of abstinence; if he encourages as broadening, the
association of his boys and girls with the children of his own
Protestant or even irreligious relatives and friends; if he refuses to
call the priest or even denies him admission into the house when some
member of the family is seriously ill; if--to put an end to the
list--he does any of the thousand and one different things like these
that other non-Catholic husbands of Catholic wives have done in the
past and are still doing to-day. For these are not purely imaginary
cases such as everyone must admit might happen. They are actual cases
drawn from stories of mixed marriages in real life.
The Pre-nuptial Pledge
But some young
lady who is contemplating a mixed marriage may say, on reading the
foregoing paragraph, that she would make adequate provision against all
such possible evil consequences by demanding a solemn promise of her
future husband never to interfere with her or her children's practice
of religion. In doing that, she would be doing only what thousands of
Catholic girls have done before; for the Church requires such a promise
as an indispensable condition every time she tolerates a mixed
marriage. But it is notorious how lightly these pre-nuptial pledges are
broken, and how sadly these thousands of Catholic wives of non-Catholic
husbands have been disillusioned when the time came for the promises to
be redeemed. To make a promise and to keep it are two quite different
things. In many cases, too, the non-Catholic party never had any
intention of keeping his promise; or, if he did, he maintained
afterwards that changed circumstances gave him the right to change his
mind. So it may very easily happen that not many moons have passed
since the honeymoon before the wife finds obstacles placed in the way
of the performance of so simple and fundamental a duty as the hearing
of Mass on Sunday. And even should the wife be gifted with such
exceptional strength of character and devotion to her Faith as to
practice her religion in defiance of her husband, what would become of
domestic harmony?
Children of Mixed Marriages
Yet even more
deplorable than its effects upon domestic harmony will be the effects
of a mixed marriage on the education of the children. As set forth in
the first chapter of this book, the religious education of the child
should begin in earliest childhood, even in infancy, by surrounding the
impressionable young heart with an atmosphere of religion and
instilling into its daily expanding intelligence the idea that nothing
in this world matters so much as the love and service of its God and
Creator. But how can a uniform and lasting impression of this kind be
made on the child, when its father and mother, whose combined actions
create the atmosphere of the home, are not in agreement on the
importance of religion? Certainly, if the mother is not a Catholic, the
child will stand little chance of receiving any religious education
before it is sent to school. But even if the mother is a Catholic, the
child's religious training will be one-sided; because it will lack the
support of the father's good example.
Exceptions are Few
Some mixed
marriages, it is true, do turn out well, apparently, despite the
initial handicap to religion and domestic harmony that ordinarily
attends them. But it must be admitted that those are exceptions. The
preponderating testimony of experience is against mixed marriages as
the cause of loss of interest in religion or of complete loss of Faith
on the part of the Catholic consort or of the children.
Something Often Overlooked
But there is
still another objection to mixed marriages, the explanation of which
will, I trust, make my unmarried readers still more determined never to
contract a marriage that would introduce disharmony into their future
homes. Very many Catholics, I dare say the great majority of them, are
of the opinion that a Catholic is forbidden to marry a non-Catholic in
much the same fashion as he is forbidden to eat meat on Fridays,
namely, merely by a positive law of the Church; and that the only
practical difference between a Catholic marriage and a mixed marriage
lies in the fact that the latter may not be celebrated in church nor
without a dispensation. That idea is entirely wrong. The eating of meat
is not wrong in itself, and the Church has never condemned the eating
of meat; but she condemns mixed marriages and abhors them not only as
dangerous to the Faith of the Catholic party and the children, but also
because entering into such a marriage involves the participation by a
Catholic and a non-Catholic in the same sacred rite.
This is a point that many Catholics do not know or entirely overlook.
They know quite well that they are not allowed to take an active part
in a Protestant religious service; and that to assist as bridesmaid or
groomsman at a Protestant wedding is forbidden under mortal sin. Yet
the degree of a bridesmaid's participation in a wedding is small
compared with that of the bride herself; because, for a Catholic,
marriage is a sacrament, and the bride and groom actually administer
the sacrament of Matrimony to each other, the priest being only the
Church's official witness. It is this intimate commingling in a
religious rite by a Catholic with a heretic which is the reason why the
Church does not permit a mixed marriage, except for a grave reason,
even if it were certain that this or that particular mixed marriage
involved no danger to the Faith of the Catholic partner or of the
children.
Communication with a Heretic
It will give the
reader a better idea of how the Church detests the active participation
of her children in a sacramental rite with a heretic, if we observe how
she legislates regarding it in other cases. Such a communication with a
heretic occurs also when a Catholic receives sacramental absolution or
Holy Communion from a validly ordained but heretical priest; and so
averse is Mother Church to such an act that only in danger of death
does she permit a Catholic to request absolution and to receive Holy
Communion at the hands of such a priest. It is evident, therefore, that
there must be a grave reason for permitting any religious communication
of that kind with a heretic; and that holds also for participation with
a heretic in the Sacrament of Matrimony.
Permitted Only for a Grave Reason
This is another
point that is commonly overlooked or not understood. A Catholic must
have a grave reason for entering a marriage with a non-Catholic and a
dispensation for such a marriage may be granted only for a grave
reason. It is not enough that the couple want to get married and are
willing to sign the pre-nuptial pledges. By no means. The first
requisite is that there must be some weighty reason for permitting an
exception to the general law of the Church forbidding mixed marriages.
Only when serious ground for making such an exception exists, may a
dispensation be granted,--and even then only on the further condition
that the usual promises regarding the practice of religion be given in
writing.
The Church Not Too Severe
From the
foregoing explanation, it should be abundantly clear to any Catholic
that the Church is by no means unreasonable or too severe in her
opposition to mixed marriages. To adopt any other attitude would be for
her to underrate the sanctity of Christian matrimony, which Christ
raised to the dignity of a sacrament, and to underestimate the
preciousness of the Faith, which it is her duty to preserve and
propagate. And as all those who are so fortunate as to be blessed with
the priceless gift of the true Faith are obliged to take the same
attitude as the Church on all questions of Faith and morals, the
attitude of the Church towards mixed marriages must be the attitude
also of all her loyal children.
No Lofty Idealism
It follows,
therefore, that in asking you, dear reader, to accept the Church's
position on mixed marriages as your own, I am not making an appeal for
anything extraordinary or heroic. There is no lofty idealism, far
beyond the reach of ordinary mortals, in taking such a stand. It is
nothing but plain Catholicism. Any other attitude is unchristian and
opposed to the teaching of our holy Faith. That a Catholic should woo
and wed only a Catholic is not a sublime ideal, which the Church
expects to see realized only in her most perfect children. The marriage
of a Catholic with a Catholic is the general rule for all, the only
truly Catholic union; the only union the Church positively sanctions
and approves.
Every other conjugal union that a Catholic enters into, no matter how
securely braced with excuses, cautions, and dispensations, is at best
only tolerated,--tolerated as a lesser evil, either to right some wrong
already done or to avert some impending greater evil.
The Chief Occasion of Mixed Marriages
I trust that
every young man and every young woman who reads what I have here
written, will be so deeply impressed by the undesirableness of mixed
marriages as to resolve not only never to contract a mixed marriage but
also to avoid the chief occasion that leads to such a marriage; namely,
the companionship of non- Catholics. To mingle freely in a social way
with non-Catholics and to say that one is earnestly determined never to
marry a non- Catholic is like paddling down the rapids of Niagara with
the determination not to strike a rock. The Catholic youth or maiden,
therefore, that is in earnest about avoiding a mixed marriage will make
no dates with a non-Catholic and accept no invitations to non-Catholic
social affairs.
Falling in Love Not Inevitable
But what if a
Catholic falls in love with a non-Catholic? A Catholic should not fall
in love with a non-Catholic! There are persons, it is true, who
maintain that falling in love is something that simply happens and is
entirely beyond a person's control; but such an idea of love is opposed
to reason and to common sense. Human love is not merely a passion that
bursts forth spontaneously upon the perception of a suitable object. It
is also a voluntary activity of the will; and hence it is subject to
the control of the will, which can check and even extinguish a passion
for a person whom one's reason declares to be an undesirable or even
impossible partner in marriage the poor hired man from falling in love
with the daughter of his rich master? Is it not the consideration of
the impossibility of a marriage that prevents many a one (not all,
alas!)from falling in love with a person already married or bound by
the vow of virginity or celibacy? Why, then, should the consideration
of the evils of a mixed marriage not suffice with the grace of God to
prevent a Catholic from falling in love with a non-Catholic? No, even
though the human heart is a strange and willful creature, it is not so
intractable that, with due precautions, it cannot be restrained from
desiring forbidden fruit. Hence the Catholic boy or girl who starts out
with the correct Catholic attitude that mixed marriages are forbidden
fruit, and who does not court danger by mixing socially with
non-Catholics, will keep from falling in love with a non-Catholic
without extraordinary difficulty.
Conversion of the Non-Catholic Partner
And now a word
also to those of my readers who have contracted a mixed marriage and
who are still living with a non-Catholic partner. No matter how
unpleasant the reading of this chapter may have been for you, you must
not be disheartened. You cannot, it is true, alter the past; but you
can do a great deal to mend matters for the future. Whether your
marriage has been one of those exceptional ones that have turned out
well despite the lack of harmony in religion; or whether it has further
corroborated the wisdom of the Church in condemning such unions, your
duty is the same: you must endeavor to bring about the conversion of
your partner to the true Faith. It was with the understanding that you
would fulfill this duty that the dispensation for your marriage was
granted. But even if Canon Law did not stress this obligation, you
should nevertheless be solicitous for your Consort's conversion for
his, or her, own sake, no less than for the sake of religious harmony
in the home.
Prayer Alone Not Sufficient
But how can this
most desired event be brought about? By earnest and persevering prayer;
by the constant force of your own good example; by occasional
invitations to read Catholic literature and to attend Catholic services
and sermons; and--not to be forgotten!--also by prudently intimating,
on opportune occasions, your own great desire that your non-Catholic
partner embrace the true Faith. You must not expect Almighty God to do
everything. In dispensing His graces and especially the blessing of the
true Faith, He makes use also of human means and human agents. And the
most natural as well as the most suitable agent He could employ to
convert your partner in marriage is yourself. Why, then, this timid
reticence on the subject of religion? If you persist in depending
exclusively on prayer, you may be held responsible for your consort's
long delayed conversion and for his or her loss of innumerable
priceless graces. Such was the woman who on the day of her husband's
conversion exclaimed to him: "This is the happiest day of my life. I
have been longing and praying for this day for many years." To which
her husband replied: "That is strange. Then why did you never intimate
to me that you longed for me to become a Catholic?"
Enthronement of the Sacred Heart
Among the
supernatural means of obtaining the conversion of a wife or husband,
one that I would recommend most strongly is devotion to the Sacred
Heart of Jesus; and in particular that form of this devotion known as
the Enthronement of the Sacred Heart in the home. This consists in
setting up an image of the Sacred Heart with appropriate solemnities in
the home, and in consecrating the family to the Sacred Heart in
permanent recognition of His Kingship over the home. The fruits of the
Enthronement have been simply marvelous in all parts of the world. Men
who had never gone to Confession in their lives, high- degree
Freemasons, have humbly made their Confession after the Enthronement
had been performed in their home at the request of a wife or daughter.
To all, therefore, whose home life is marred by the lack of unity in
religion or by any other kind of disharmony, as well as to those who
wish to preserve the harmony that has hitherto prevailed, I say: Invite
a priest to perform the act of Enthronement in your home. Consecrate
your family to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Renew that consecration from
time to time, especially on the first Friday of each month; and in the
spirit of that consecration regard the Sacred Heart as the King and
intimate Friend of your family. Make Him the confidant of your joys as
well as of your sorrows, your failures as well as your successes. Let
Him be your support in trial, your comfort in sorrow, your refuge in
distress. Let His principles govern your family life as well as your
private and public life; and then you, too, most assuredly, will
realize the truth of those loving promises which the Sacred Heart of
Jesus revealed to St. Margaret Mary Alacoque:
"I will bless the houses wherein the image of my Heart shall be exposed
and honored.
"I will give peace to their families
"I will give them all the graces necessary for their state.
"I will shed abundant blessings on all their undertakings.
"I will comfort them in all their trials."
Continue:
Introduction
Chapter I: Necessity of
Religion in the Home
Chapter II: Prayer in the Home
Chapter III: Catholic
Atmosphere in the Home
Chapter IV: Good Reading in
the Home
Chapter V: Harmony in the Home
Chapter VI: Necessity of Home
Life
Conclusion
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